I preach to myself in song. It gives me an emotional high, and I’m not sure if it’s my enneagram 4 showing or the excitement from feeling closer to God. He frequently reaches my heart through worship music, as I’m sure He does for many of you.
Amazing grace, that saved a wretch like me…
All my hope is in Jesus, thank God that yesterday’s gone…
There’s an army risin’ up, yeah, to break every chain, break every chain….
There are a few songs, though, that just stop me. I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to sing these songs without a large ball of emotion assaulting my voice and spilling tears from my eyes. I didn’t always feel this way.
It was a Wednesday. I was alone, sitting up on a hospital bed, staring at the wall in front of me. There was this numbing, white noise humming in my head. My chest felt hollow, and I remember vividly to this day how much my arms ached. My eyes were dry.
It was this day that I birthed a beautiful, full term baby boy that had gone to be with Jesus just hours before birth. The pain of losing my firstborn son was too much for my soul to bear. I could feel the weight of a packed baseball stadium pressing down on my chest. And yet, God never left me. In fact, He was closer to me than I had ever felt before.
Have you ever said something out loud that surprised you? Something so out of character that you know it was the Holy Spirit speaking through you? I remember casually telling my dad, “I am going to be ok, because this is the story that God gave me and He is going to make something good through it.” I said it in a very matter-of-fact manner.
But… Wait… What? Did I really just say that out loud?
Do I really believe that?
This span of 24 hours was and continues to be a grace from God. My son died, and yet the Holy Spirit was moving and I could feel this unexplainable aura of comfort and protection with me. I know I had an army of prayer warriors, family, and friends (huge shoutout to my Fall 2013 Women at IBC bible study leaders and table) surrounding me in prayer.
It is well…. With my soul… it is well, it is well with my soul
Gosh that’s hard. Is it really well with my soul?
Sometimes I still feel resentment, anger, and utter disbelief of the story I’ve been given. And I really don’t think one day I will be completely healed and will sing these words with complete confidence and joy. This is a pain only heaven will heal. Studying scripture continues to be vital to keep the enemy from lying to me about the true character of God. He cannot be put into a “shiny God box,” tied up neatly with a pretty bow. God’s goodness and sovereignty are too high for us to fully comprehend on this side of heaven, but learning more about who He is through the Bible has enabled me to lift my hard emotions up and let them fall at the feet of Jesus.
You are good, good, oh, oh
(Even when my circumstances blind me from seeing God’s true character.)
You’re never gonna let, never gonna let me down
(Even though I’ve been let down. Not by God, but by the consequence of sin and this fallen world.)
It is well, it is well with my soul
(Even though my soul is terribly wounded.)
We can’t let our present suffering get so big in front of our faces that we are blinded from what is above it. We must be able to look higher to see the God who made a way to get to the place where all things are the way they were meant to be. It is then that we can see the God that chose to give us his Son, and we can see just how beautiful, powerful and faithful our God is.
I hate suffering. It is painful, and dark, and lonely.
And yet… Even so… But God...
He is unchanging. He is a faithful covenant keeper. He is our comforter. He is our creator and savior.
I won’t ever say that I’m grateful that my son died. But I will say that I’m grateful for the things God has shown me through this kind of suffering. I know I will see my son again, and I get to teach my earthside kids about heaven in a way that hits closer to home. He continues to give me the strength to live life without my son, and to share the hope of heaven with others who need to borrow that hope.
I put my faith in Jesus, my anchor to the ground
You take what the enemy meant for evil
And you turn it for good, you turn it for good
Hope Mommies:
If you have experienced miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss, I encourage you to seek out a Christ centered community that will walk with you. Hope Mommies was a lifeline to Jesus in my darkest days. It is a community that understands this grief, and there are several avenues to be involved and get connected. Please reach out at [email protected] if you have any questions. For more information, go to www.irvingbible.org/hopemommies or www.hopemommies.org.