On April 22, 2010 God’s plan intersected with mine and brought me to Recovery at IBC with the hope that this would be the place that would heal my family from the trauma and brokenness we were walking through. I came to Recovery with my husband to make sure he came and participated in the program, but I ended up staying for me. I was honestly not ready to look at myself, but Jesus knew this ministry would shed light on my own issues.
As a young girl, I experienced trauma by a family member, and I learned during this time that my biological father did not want to be part of my life. As I grew older, I used all this pain and hurt to define me and dictate how I should live. I was defining myself by my pain and saw myself as unworthy, unlovable, and unwanted. I was living life on my terms, each time trying to fix my life one decision after another that would end up leading me to constant chaos. I kept people at bay to protect me from pain, and yet I was in pain because I felt so alone and abandoned. I was depressed, confused, and hopeless.
I knew God and knew His promise of love, grace and mercy, but adopting it into my heart was very difficult. I wanted to believe it with my whole heart. Beginning this process was difficult; it was so hard and emotionally draining. Each week I battled wanting to stop the program so I could close that closet full of secret past trauma.
The more weeks that pasted while I participated in Recovery, the more I became willing to uncover and address those things that I held close to me. I found hope in being transparent and vulnerable with others in Recovery. I never felt judged, criticized, or scrutinized by anyone there. It became my safe place of healing. When people shared their own hope and strength through experiences discovered in working through their pain, it gave me the desire to continue with my own journey. When I started sharing more openly with others, I found that I had courage and strength because Jesus was with me in every detail of my life. Each time I prayed I found it was changing how I felt, it changed my idea of God, which changed how I prayed and how I viewed myself. I found myself trusting him, resting in him, seeking him for guidance, and waiting for him to respond.
For me, this scripture speaks volumes to me, Jeremiah 29:10-11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope”. I had to be willing to love myself enough to be committed to this change. This was free will and I had to ask myself if I was worth it. I wanted to believe I was worth it. I can honestly say now that I am worth it; I am the daughter of the one True King. I discovered through this journey that God had an abundant life waiting for me and I only needed to be open to Him and trust His plan.
I am in awe of how He has blessed me and moved into places that I could not even imagine for myself. I have been able to embrace my changes and be thankful for all my experiences in life. I would not be who I am without them, they have shaped me, and molded me into becoming who God desires for me. Today, I trust God with my life, my joy, my everything. I believe his promises. I have faith that he will take care of me daily. I know he is my provision, my comfort, my safety, my creator, and my guide. Today, I have a confidence I never had before, I am not afraid to speak up and stand for His Word. I am okay with admitting I am broken, far from perfect, although I strive to be like Jesus. Today I am a better version of myself and being transformed in ways I did not think possible. I am not regretting my past or wishing to shut the door on it. Before, I would have handled situations differently, thinking I was showing strength but suffering huge consequences. But I wasn’t showing others Jesus in me. Today, I am astonished by how God leads me to handle circumstances more like Jesus. I have found my serenity and I know peace.